Grieving During the Holidays: Understanding ‘Sense of Presence’

As the holiday season approaches, many individuals experience a heightened awareness of loss, particularly in the absence of loved ones. This emotional landscape can lead to what researchers term “sense of presence” experiences, moments when individuals feel the presence of those who have died. Such experiences can manifest in various ways, including familiar scents, fleeting shadows, or comforting sensations, often providing solace to the bereaved.

According to international studies, between 47 percent and 82 percent of bereaved individuals have reported experiencing these phenomena. For instance, one participant recounted, “When I sat alone at the dining table, I felt how she put her arm round my shoulders as she used to do when she served me food.” Another shared, “I started to smell cigar smoke… and I felt surprised. Now whenever I travel, I smell that cigar smoke, and that’s how I know he’s around.”

The prevalence of these experiences raises important questions about their psychological significance. Research conducted by psychiatrist William Dewi Rees in 1971 found that nearly 40 percent of widowed individuals in Wales reported sensing their deceased spouse. Rees argued that such experiences were not pathological, but rather common and often comforting.

Despite this, for decades, psychiatrists framed the sense of presence as either a hallucination or a spiritual experience, limiting understanding to clinical or supernatural explanations. A turning point in this discourse occurred with the introduction of the Continuing Bonds Theory in the 1990s. Authors Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman proposed that these experiences reflect an ongoing emotional connection with the deceased rather than a sign of mental instability.

My PhD research involved interviewing 26 bereaved individuals across New Zealand, Australia, Canada, and the United States. Participants came from diverse cultural backgrounds and shared remarkably consistent accounts. The emotional closeness of the relationship was often more significant than spiritual beliefs in explaining the sense of presence. Many reported feeling this presence during times of emotional need or in locations strongly associated with the deceased.

Understanding these phenomena requires examining the brain mechanisms that underlie them. Early research suggests that the brain maintains a “person network,” comprising memories, emotions, and social perceptions associated with significant individuals. When a loved one passes away, the brain does not immediately update this network, necessitating a gradual adjustment to a relationship that is now non-physical.

This process does not signify denial of death but reflects a natural adaptation. The presence one might feel during the holidays can thus be viewed as a brief expression of this internal representation, influenced by stored memories and emotional connections. In contrast to neurological phenomena, such as autoscopic hallucinations, which can feel unfamiliar or unsettling, grief-related presences are typically recognized as belonging to the deceased.

To further explore these ideas, I am conducting an electroencephalogram (EEG) study to measure brain activity in response to different individuals within a social circle. Initial findings indicate that each relationship activates its own distinct person network. Understanding these patterns may illuminate why some people continue to feel the presence of loved ones after death and how the brain sustains these meaningful connections.

Recognizing and discussing sense of presence experiences can provide insight into the grieving process, particularly during a season that underscores the importance of connection. By exploring these moments more fully, individuals may find comfort and understanding in their experiences of loss, allowing them to carry meaningful relationships forward even after physical absence.