How Parallel Parenting Provides Calm for Children in Conflict

When parents experience conflict or unsafe dynamics, parallel parenting can offer a viable solution, creating a nurturing environment for children. According to family lawyer and co-parenting coach Gabriella Pomare, this approach is designed for families where communication between parents is challenging, heated, or unsafe. “It’s a way of lowering the temperature while still making sure kids get to have both parents in their lives,” she explains.

Parallel parenting differs significantly from traditional co-parenting. Pomare clarifies that it allows each parent to take responsibility for their time with the children, with minimal interaction between them. This method can be particularly beneficial in high-conflict separations or situations involving family violence, where safety takes precedence.

Understanding the Benefits and Challenges

The arrangement has both advantages and disadvantages, as noted by psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists, Carly Dober. Understanding these factors can help families determine if parallel parenting is suitable for them. For some families, this approach may not be a choice but a necessity.

Pomare points out that parallel parenting often arises after a tumultuous separation, where disagreements over discipline, education, or daily routines are common. She describes it as a “circuit breaker” that reduces conflict and provides children with a sense of predictability. “It stops the constant fighting, gives children predictability, and allows parents to step back from each other while still showing up for their kids,” she explains.

Dober highlights that parallel parents typically adopt a “pragmatic approach,” with limited contact and distinct routines. In contrast, co-parents often maintain a collaborative relationship, involving high levels of communication and interaction. The decision to pursue parallel parenting can stem from conflict or a desire for distance.

For some families, this method is temporary, serving as a bridge until communication improves. Yet, for others facing safety concerns, it may need to be a long-term solution.

Real-Life Impacts of Parallel Parenting

Pomare has witnessed the profound effects of parallel parenting in her practice. She recounts a case involving a couple whose disputes were so intense that their young son would cover his ears and cry during exchanges. By implementing a parallel parenting model, where one parent dropped the child off at school and the other picked him up, they eliminated the flashpoints of conflict. As a result, the child thrived in a more stable environment.

In another instance, both parents insisted on attending school events but struggled to remain civil when seated near each other. The school ultimately arranged separate seating, allowing them to support their daughter without direct confrontation.

Professor Silke Meyer from Griffith University notes that parallel parenting is often adopted when there is no alternative, particularly following incidents of domestic violence. She emphasizes the importance of minimizing engagement with an abusive parent, as interactions can be detrimental. “Ideally, safety mechanisms should be in place to monitor interactions when children are with an abusive parent,” Meyer states. However, she acknowledges that many separating parents do not engage with the family law system, leaving vulnerable individuals without adequate safeguards.

For those seeking assistance, support is available by calling 0800 456 450. In emergencies, individuals should contact police services by dialing 111.

Dober recommends parents who wish to maintain distance adopt the B.E.N. model—focusing on what is beneficial for their well-being, as happier parents often lead to happier children. “Children can sense tension; they are perceptive,” she stresses.

Adopting parallel parenting can significantly reduce the conflict children are exposed to, allowing them to enjoy their time with each parent without the burden of adult disputes. “When executed effectively, children feel protected and do not have to bear witness to arguments,” Pomare explains. This approach enables parents to concentrate on their individual relationships with their children without interference from the other parent’s home.

Children may observe differences in rules between homes, such as varying bedtimes. Pomare advises that parents should refrain from criticizing each other and focus on maintaining a calm and stable environment.

Some families may face judgment for their parallel parenting style, particularly from schools or community members who may not fully understand it. Dober encourages parents to be transparent about their situation with their children. “Talk about it openly, allowing kids to ask questions about why this is happening. It helps them understand that both parents are looking out for them,” she suggests.

Ultimately, Pomare emphasizes that the greatest benefit of parallel parenting is allowing children the freedom to love both parents without being caught in adult conflicts. This approach can empower families to navigate their unique challenges while fostering a supportive atmosphere for their children.