Women’s Sexual Boredom in Long-Term Relationships: A Deep Dive

Research indicates that many women in long-term heterosexual relationships experience a decline in sexual interest earlier than their male partners. According to Johanna Waugh, a provisional psychosexual therapist based in Sydney, this phenomenon often leads women to question their self-worth, thinking, “What’s wrong with me? I used to enjoy sex.” However, studies suggest that the issue may lie less in a lack of desire for sex overall and more in a sense of boredom with the sexual experiences available to them.

Notably, social researcher and author Wednesday Martin has highlighted findings from at least six longitudinal studies involving tens of thousands of adults aged 18 to 70. These studies consistently show that women typically lose interest in sex within the first one to four years of a committed relationship. In contrast, men tend to maintain sexual interest for nine to twelve years before reporting similar feelings of boredom.

Understanding the Root Causes

Women often seek novelty and excitement in their intimate lives, a factor that can diminish when relationships settle into routine. Waugh elaborates that the mental load women carry—managing household tasks and emotional responsibilities—can also contribute to waning sexual desire. Esther Perel, a psychotherapist with a focus on intimacy and monogamy, has noted that while men’s sexual interest tends to decline gradually, women’s often “plummets.”

A study conducted in 2012 found that women in relationships lasting over one year reported a higher lack of interest in sex. Research from 2018 further indicated that relationship quality increasingly influences women’s sexual desire as the relationship lengthens. An additional study from 2023 indicated that while sexual boredom can occur in men, their overall sexual desire for their partner remains high, unlike women’s, which tends to decrease as boredom increases.

Addressing the Dynamics of Desire

Waugh emphasizes that without “effort or novelty,” women’s sexual desire can diminish over time. The research from Swinburne University of Technology in 2022 supports this, suggesting that the growing inequity in domestic responsibilities often contributes to declining sexual interest. Coby Baker, a Melbourne-based sexologist, notes that women typically handle a disproportionate amount of both visible and invisible household work, which can make sex feel like just another task on a to-do list.

When domestic duties are shared more equitably, Baker observes, women tend to be “more physically and emotionally available for sex.” The dynamic changes when women find themselves “parenting” their partners by picking up after them, which can be detrimental to sexual desire. Baker points out that the predictability of everyday life reduces the thrill of early romantic sparks, particularly for women, who are more likely to experience responsive desire—where sexual interest arises from stimulation rather than spontaneity.

For some women facing a lack of desire or dissatisfaction, options may include ending the relationship, opening it, or seeking affairs. However, Baker highlights that many opt to “put up with bad sex,” giving in to sexual demands from partners out of exhaustion, leading to resentment.

Waugh notes that societal norms often teach women to prioritize their partner’s pleasure over their own. Many women want to change their sexual dynamics but struggle with how to initiate that conversation. They desire partners who understand their needs and wants.

Baker advises that women should recognize low desire is not a problem to be “fixed.” The earlier-mentioned research indicates that while relationship inequities may affect mutual desire, they do not significantly impact individual desire. The authors concluded that women’s low sexual interest stems not from an internal issue but from a need for effort from both partners.

Couples can often rediscover intimacy when they approach the topic with curiosity rather than criticism. Waugh encourages creating a safe space for open dialogue to share needs, frustrations, fears, and desires without shame. She suggests that couples explore new definitions of intimacy and consider activities like visiting a sex shop or planning date nights to introduce novelty back into their relationship.

Timing also plays a crucial role when discussing sexual matters. Baker recommends choosing moments of calm, such as after dinner, to avoid the pitfalls of discussing sex in the heat of an argument.

For women overwhelmed by the mental load, Waugh suggests that men can alleviate some of the burdens, creating an environment where women feel listened to and unburdened. If productive conversations remain elusive, Waugh recommends seeking professional assistance, such as through a couple’s counselor, sexologist, or psychosexual therapist.

In conclusion, understanding the nuanced dynamics of desire in long-term relationships is essential for fostering intimacy and satisfaction. By addressing underlying issues and creating a supportive environment, couples can work together to rekindle the spark that may have faded over time.