Migrant Women Seek Love Abroad as Kiwi Dating Scene Disappoints

Frustrated with the dating landscape in New Zealand, several migrant women are considering relocation after years of unsuccessful attempts to find love. A report by Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff highlights the experiences of women from various backgrounds grappling with what they describe as a stagnant and unsatisfactory dating culture.

Personal Stories of Disappointment

For Ashlei Tabor, who moved from the United States five years ago, New Zealand met her expectations in many ways but fell short in romance. Now in her mid-30s, Tabor is preparing to move to Sydney, citing years of “romantic disappointment.” She describes the dating experience as akin to “junior high dating,” where social interactions feel immature and lacking depth. “People never develop proper social skills because they grow up and stay in the same friend circles their whole lives,” she explains.

One relationship ended in heartbreak when her partner cheated, and Tabor was dismayed by the lack of accountability from those around her. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” she noted. Tabor believes the laid-back culture sometimes translates into emotional passivity, contrasting it with her experiences in the United States, where she found men to be more engaged and proactive. “In the States, guys actually planned things; they’d book tickets, cook dinner, make an effort,” she said.

Similarly, Katy Phillips, 34, from the UK, is preparing to return to London after nine years in New Zealand. She attributes her departure to dating fatigue, describing the local scene as insular and passive. “If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible. People don’t approach you in bars,” she noted. Phillips found Kiwi men to be gentle and humble but felt they often lacked emotional openness. “They don’t know what they want. British men might be awkward, but they’re clearer about their feelings.”

Modern Dating Challenges

Both women feel that the dating experience for migrants in New Zealand is particularly challenging. Phillips stated that in larger cities abroad, people tend to be more direct, minimizing wasted time. “I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just better odds,” she remarked, hoping that London’s diversity will provide a more fulfilling dating experience.

Some argue that the issues extend beyond New Zealand’s borders. Sophia Christina, 35, who previously lived in London, has encountered similar patterns of dating frustration. Upon returning to Auckland, she noted, “I don’t think people take dating seriously anywhere.” Christina observed a culture of chasing fleeting connections and a fear of commitment, exacerbated by the prevalence of dating apps. To navigate this, she turned to a matchmaker, which transformed her perspective on dating.

Inspired by her experience, Christina launched her own matchmaking service, Shortlist, aimed at helping others find meaningful connections without the chaos of app culture. “Genuine connections are possible anywhere,” she stated, emphasizing the need to focus on what truly matters in relationships.

Kirsty Ross, a professor and senior clinical psychologist at Massey University, asserts that successful relationships require effort, courage, and clarity—qualities often neglected in the current dating climate shaped by technology. “Real relationships take work,” she stated, stressing the importance of self-awareness in fostering authentic connections. “You can’t build anything authentic unless you know your values and expectations,” she added.

As these women reassess their dating lives, it becomes evident that the search for connection is influenced by both environmental factors and individual self-understanding. The challenges faced by migrant women in New Zealand’s dating scene highlight a broader conversation about the complexities of modern relationships and the evolving nature of love, prompting many to seek opportunities where they feel their chances are enhanced.