New Zealand’s Dating Scene Challenges Migrant Women Seeking Love

The dating landscape in New Zealand is prompting some migrant women to reconsider their future in the country. After years of navigating the local dating scene, several women, including those from the United States and the United Kingdom, express frustration and disappointment, leading them to consider relocating to cities with perceived better opportunities for meaningful relationships.

For Ashlei Tabor, who moved from the United States five years ago, New Zealand offered a slower pace and stunning scenery. However, she has not found the romantic connection she hoped for and is now planning a move to Sydney. Tabor describes her dating experiences as akin to “junior high dating,” where social interactions often feel stagnant and immature. She notes, “People never develop proper social skills because they grow up and stay in the same friend circles their whole lives.”

Tabor’s experiences include a relationship that ended due to infidelity, but what surprised her most was the reaction—or lack thereof—from those around her. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” she remarked, indicating a cultural tendency towards emotional passivity. She contrasts this with her experiences in the United States, where men were typically more proactive in their dating efforts. “In the States, guys actually planned things; they’d book tickets, cook dinner, make an effort,” she said.

Similar sentiments are echoed by Katy Phillips, 34, who is returning to London after spending nine years in New Zealand. Phillips describes the local dating scene as insular and passive, saying, “If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible. People don’t approach you in bars.” She found Kiwi men to be gentle and humble but emotionally unavailable. “They don’t know what they want. British men might be awkward, but they’re clearer about their feelings,” she noted.

Phillips’ two long-term relationships in New Zealand lacked reciprocity, leaving her yearning for emotional maturity and self-awareness in a partner. “That’s been really hard to find,” she explained. For migrants, dating in New Zealand can feel particularly challenging, as she believes people in larger cities tend to be more direct and less willing to waste time. She is hopeful that London’s diversity will improve her chances of finding a suitable partner, stating, “I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just better odds.”

In contrast, Sophia Christina, 35, who previously lived in London, argues that the issues extend beyond New Zealand to modern dating culture. She describes the same patterns of endless swiping and fear of commitment that she encountered overseas. “I don’t think people take dating seriously anywhere,” Christina remarked. After returning to New Zealand, she sought the help of a matchmaker, which transformed her experience. Knowing both parties were genuinely seeking commitment made dating feel more intentional rather than transactional.

Inspired by her positive experience, Christina launched her own matchmaking service called Shortlist, aiming to help others navigate the complexities of modern dating. “Genuine connections are possible anywhere,” she asserted. “But you have to cut the noise and focus.”

According to Kirsty Ross, a professor and senior clinical psychologist at Massey University, successful relationships require effort, courage, and clarity—qualities often overlooked in app-driven cultures. “We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes and just know, but real relationships take work,” she said. Ross emphasizes the importance of self-awareness in building authentic connections. “You can’t build anything authentic unless you know your values and expectations,” she added.

As more women reassess their dating lives in New Zealand, they are recognizing the dual importance of their environment and self-understanding in the quest for meaningful connections. This trend highlights a significant cultural conversation about dating dynamics and the emotional maturity that many are seeking. For these women, the journey is not just about finding love but understanding where they might navigate their paths more successfully.