Migrant Women Reassess Love in New Zealand’s Dating Scene

The dating scene in New Zealand is prompting many migrant women to reconsider their romantic prospects. After years of seeking meaningful relationships, some have decided to leave the country, citing frustrations with the local dating culture. Among them is Ashlei Tabor, who moved from the United States five years ago. Tabor, now in her mid-30s, expressed her disappointment, stating that while New Zealand met her expectations for a slower pace of life and stunning landscapes, it failed to deliver on love, leading her to prepare for a move to Sydney.

Tabor describes her experiences as akin to “junior high dating,” noting that social interactions often feel immature and stagnant. “People never develop proper social skills because they grow up and stay in the same friend circles their whole lives,” she explained. One of her relationships ended due to infidelity, but what surprised her most was the lack of accountability from those around her. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” she said. Tabor believes this tendency for emotional passivity stems from New Zealand’s famously relaxed culture, contrasting it with her experiences in the United States, where she found men more engaged and intentional in their dating efforts.

At 34, Katy Phillips from the UK echoes Tabor’s sentiments. After spending nine years in New Zealand, she is returning to London next month, citing “dating fatigue.” Phillips describes the local dating landscape as insular and passive, remarking, “If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible. People don’t approach you in bars.” She found Kiwi men to be gentle and humble, but emotionally distant, stating, “They don’t know what they want. British men might be awkward, but they’re clearer about their feelings.” Phillips expressed a desire for emotional maturity in a partner, something she struggled to find in her two long-term relationships in New Zealand.

For migrants, navigating the dating scene can be particularly challenging. Phillips observes that in larger cities abroad, people tend to be more direct and do not want to waste time. “I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just better odds,” she said, hoping for improved chances for connection in London.

Yet, some argue that the challenges are not unique to New Zealand but reflect a broader trend in modern dating. Sophia Christina, a 35-year-old Aucklander who previously lived in London, noted similar patterns of shallow interactions and a fear of commitment. “I don’t think people take dating seriously anywhere,” she remarked, highlighting a culture where individuals chase fleeting highs rather than meaningful connections.

After returning to New Zealand, Christina sought the help of a matchmaker, which transformed her perspective on dating. This experience emphasized the importance of both parties seeking genuine commitment, prompting her to launch her own matchmaking service, Shortlist. Christina believes that “genuine connections are possible anywhere,” but stresses the need to “cut the noise and focus” on meaningful interactions.

According to Kirsty Ross, a professor and senior clinical psychologist at Massey University, successful relationships require effort, courage, and clarity—qualities often overlooked in the app-driven dating culture. “We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes and just know, but real relationships take work,” she noted. Ross emphasizes that self-awareness is crucial for building authentic connections. “You can’t build anything authentic unless you know your values and expectations,” she stated.

As more women in New Zealand reassess their dating experiences, the search for connection is proving to be as much about understanding oneself as it is about the environment. The views expressed by Tabor, Phillips, and Christina highlight a growing sentiment: while New Zealand offers breathtaking scenery, the local dating landscape may not be as appealing for those seeking substantial relationships.