Migrant Women in New Zealand Reassess Dating Landscape

New Zealand is known for its stunning landscapes and relaxed lifestyle, but for some migrant women, the dating scene is proving disappointing. After years of seeking meaningful connections, several women are choosing to leave the country in search of better prospects.

Reports indicate that individuals like Ashlei Tabor, who moved from the United States five years ago, are experiencing significant challenges in the dating landscape. Tabor describes her time in New Zealand as filled with “romantic disappointment” and is now preparing to relocate to Sydney. She characterizes dating in New Zealand as reminiscent of “junior high dating,” where social interactions appear immature and stagnant.

Tabor expresses concern over the lack of social skills among potential partners, stating, “People never develop proper social skills because they grow up and stay in the same friend circles their whole lives.” Following a difficult breakup, she was surprised by the reluctance of those around her to address her partner’s infidelity. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” she noted.

She believes that the country’s famously laid-back culture sometimes leads to emotional passivity. Tabor contrasts this with her experiences in the United States, where she found men to be more engaged and intentional in their dating efforts. “In the States, guys actually planned things; they’d book tickets, cook dinner, make an effort,” she said. After a year of using dating apps without finding anyone she was genuinely interested in, Tabor feels disillusioned.

Katy Phillips, a 34-year-old from the UK, shares similar sentiments after spending nine years in New Zealand. She is set to return to London next month, citing “dating fatigue.” Phillips describes the local dating scene as insular and passive, noting that “if you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible.” She emphasizes that the social dynamics in New Zealand make it difficult for new connections to form, stating, “It’s a small country, and everyone knows everyone.”

While Phillips appreciates the gentle nature of Kiwi men, she finds them emotionally closed off. “They don’t know what they want. British men might be awkward, but they’re clearer about their feelings,” she explained. Her two long-term relationships in New Zealand lacked reciprocity, leaving her yearning for emotional maturity and self-awareness in a partner.

For many migrants, the dating experience in New Zealand is particularly challenging. Phillips remarks that in larger cities abroad, people tend to be more direct and less inclined to waste time. She hopes that London’s diversity and openness will provide better opportunities for genuine connections, stating, “I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just better odds.”

Some individuals argue that the challenges faced by women in New Zealand are reflective of broader trends in modern dating. Sophia Christina, a 35-year-old Aucklander who previously lived in London, identifies similar issues, noting, “I don’t think people take dating seriously anywhere.” She observes that many people chase fleeting highs, avoiding commitment while believing that a better option is just one swipe away.

After returning to New Zealand, Christina sought the help of a matchmaker, which transformed her perspective on dating. She found that knowing both parties were genuinely seeking commitment made the experience feel intentional rather than transactional. Inspired by this shift, Christina launched her own matchmaking service, Shortlist, aimed at helping individuals navigate the often chaotic dating app landscape. “Genuine connections are possible anywhere,” she asserted. “But you have to cut the noise and focus.”

Furthermore, Kirsty Ross, a professor and senior clinical psychologist at Massey University, emphasizes that successful relationships require effort, courage, and clarity—qualities that can be compromised by the app-driven dating culture. “We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes and just know, but real relationships take work,” she stated. Ross underscores the importance of self-awareness, suggesting that authentic connections cannot be built without a clear understanding of one’s values and expectations.

As more women reflect on their dating experiences in New Zealand, it becomes evident that the search for connection involves navigating both the social environment and personal growth. While New Zealand offers breathtaking scenery, the experiences of these women highlight the complexities and challenges present in the quest for lasting relationships.